It's Not Easy
by MysticDew
Summary: Merlin songfic set to "Superman" By Five for Fighting.


**It's not Easy****  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

******Merlin songfic to "Superman." by Five for Fighting. I don't actually write the lyrics out, but you can find most of the words buried in here. Tag to 2.13**

Merlin fell into the chair in Gaius's rooms. He was away right now, looking after someone in the lower town, so Merlin was alone. He stated at the candle on the table like it did him some horrible wrong. Merlin had enough of all of this!

Gaius was always looking after Merlin, always ready to help, always ready with wise words to give aid, or angry ones to reprimand.

_"Any type of enchantments will get you killed."___

_"Your magic is a secret to be guarded with your life!"_

The thoughts, these memories, instances of warnings ran through Merlin's head. _'I know, I know. I'm not that naïve.' _Merlin wasn't ignorant of the fact that his magic could very well kill him someday. But how could he stop using it? It saved the life of himself and Arthur countless times. He was just trying to find what he was meant to do, to find something better, a better part of him.

He wasn't just a fool of a peasant. He was more than that, wasn't he? He meant more than being a servant to someone. He was more than just a boy in a funny red scarf, even if people didn't know it. The Druids said he had a prophecy, and treated him like a savior - a Hero.

And now, when he had just lost his father... he just wished to cry - fall down on his knees and sob about everything he'd lost.

"We would've been... happy." He remembered himself saying. That would never happen. Merlin just wished for a home, with his mother and father. But that was a place he could never return to, never see.

And after everything, after all of his losses he had to go back to Arthur, who could never understand. He may seem absurd, but surely, after the events come to pass, he at least had a right to bleed, to mourn, to rest? It sometimes seemed he couldn't even dream about Albion, about the future he was destined to build and wanted to build, but who would he go to? To Camelot, he was a simple servant. To the Druids, Killagarah, even Gaius, sometimes, he was just a hero, fighting through it no matter what because it was expected. Surely he had the right to stop being practical for just a moment, and just dream?

Sometimes, he laughed at the absurdity of it all. He smiled even though there was no humor in it, at the people who spoke of destiny and claimed he couldn't understand, who talked of magic and told him he wouldn't get it. When they talked about their troubles and how much harder it was for them... Merlin wanted to scream, "It's not easy to be me! You are the one who can't understand!"

He wondered what people would do if he showed them his powers, in front of everyone and everything. But he never did, never even wondered aloud to Gaius. _'Let him sleep sound tonight,'_ he would think,_ 'believing I'm not crazy, or anything.'_

Of course he would never do it, never in reality, but even a mention of it and Gaius would reprimand him like he was a child, naïve to the laws and people's thoughts. He knew most people now thought magic was wrong, that people weren't meant to use it to any end. That you weren't allowed to ride with just the clouds between your knees, to jump and stay aloft - something that was impossible to do even for him, because if he tried he would just be caught.

Gaius didn't realize how hard it was to do all he did, and not even be able to try to have fun. No one could. He was just a man, not a hero and not a god. He didn't have some edge over everyone else because he was 'Emrys,' it wasn't  
easy for him, and he doubted anyone would fare better in his situation. He knew it was going to be hard. He knew he wasn't going to get that much credit, but sometimes he just wished he could be content - if not with the world than at least with himself. He wanted to simply look inside himself and figure out what he wanted, what was special about Merlin and not Emrys, what separated his personal dreams from the prophecy's ones.

Merlin couldn't stand having this magic, but barely anyone even knowing what he was doing. The worst part, was if they found out, they would assume he was evil and kill him. Merlin's greatest fear was that Arthur would order his death himself.

And it was hard, it hurt. No one noticed that it's not easy to be him.

_**Thanks for reading,**_

_**SH**_


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